Did you know researchers say the average woman spends 3,276 hours of her life getting ready to face the world? That s enough time to fly to the moon and back 22 times, according to a 2008 article in .
The study also found most women don t enjoy primping.
I am one of them. I make every effort to never leave the house without makeup and, when I wash my hair, I also blow it dry and either straighten or curl it. It s quite the ordeal and, as I get older, I find it takes more and more to motivate me to do it.
For example, my Sweetums and I were sitting around being lazy on New Year s Day, me with no makeup, glasses and dirty hair, with my feet hanging over the side of a chair, watching the Twilight Zone marathon. We began to languidly discuss the possibility of going to an afternoon movie, which sounded like fun. I weighed the amount of effort it would take to get ready with the amount of enjoyment going to the movie would bring, and finally came to a decision. I told Sweetums I d like to go but only if I could go with dirty hair.
(Now seems like a good time to jump in and tell you Sweetums hates when I call him Sweetums, particularly in my columns. He seems to think it is not an appropriate endearment for a 6 foot, 7 inch former law officer. He also put the kibosh on Pooky Bear and Puddin Pop. He can be difficult that way. If you have any better suggestions let me know. Until then, he can remain Sweetums. Why? Because it tickles me.)
Back to my story: Sweetums seemed discombobulated as to why I would make such a stipulation about my hair and I explained I felt much too lazy to stand in front of a mirror and dry and curl it.
He was shocked. You do that every time you go somewhere? he asked.
Doh.
You think all this , I made a circular motion in front of my face, just happens? It probably would have made more of a statement if I d had my face on and my contacts in.
I told him it s not like women can step out of the shower, shake like a dog and be ready to go like men can. We women have to put on makeup and fix our hair. Especially those of us raised by Southern mamas who admonished us to never leave the house without lipstick. There s a reason they say in the South, We re just like you, only prettier. It s because we have the good sense to hide our flaws.
I put on my face before going to the CVS on the corner or walking to the mailbox? Why? It s the responsible thing to do. Plus, I don t want to frighten the populace. When I was in college, way back when only hard contact lenses were available and could scratch your eyeballs, I would walk around with one contact rather than wear my glasses on a date. I watched many a football game that way, although it s hard to say how much I actually saw.
These days, I will go to a drive-through window without makeup or hair brushed from time to time, but only in extreme donut emergencies and even then I take care to keep my sunglasses on so as not to shock the teenage worker when I roll down my car window.
Admittedly, the Southern mama message has gone awry somewhere along the way or there wouldn t be so many photos from the South on .
Now it seems we have two drastically distinct groups of women in the South: Those who want to put our best faces forward and those who apparently want to incite a mob into coming after them with pitchforks and torches.
This is what happens when we abandon our values and those of our parents, people. We need to get back to a kinder, gentler time when women didn t want people to see their un-penciled eyebrows or bags under their eyes, much less their moustaches or thigh dimples.
It s not like this is Europe where women can take pride in greasy hair and hairy legs. Trust me, I understand it s unfair. Why aren t we considered distinguished or ruggedly pretty when we show our gray hair and wrinkles?
Because eons ago, one of our ancestors painted over a hairy mole and now we are stuck with it.
I m only recommending we try not to burn the retinas of anyone gazing upon us. Or at the very least, stop wearing belly shirts and jeggings if your stomach and thighs look like a tub of cottage cheese. And definitely dab some concealer on that hairy mole.
Just sayin .
KellyKazek's humor columns appear regularly on al.com and in The Huntsville Times,The Birmingham News and The Press-Register in Mobile. Call her at 256-701-0576or find her on.